Not Such a Happy New Year

New Years is a time of fresh starts and possibilities, but for me and my family it was heart breaking. 

On Christmas I was able to FaceTime with my family as they were all gather to celebrate the day. 

We were all very excited because I had booked my ticket to come home to Georgia on January 10th for baby showers and much needed family time. 

I got to speak to my grandmother, my mom's mom, and see her for a few minutes and I didn't like what I saw. Still, I would be home soon and I found comfort in the fact that I would get to see her, and that she was sitting up with the family and talking fine. 

A few days later she went into the hospital. There were many things wrong, but the doctors felt that with rehabilitation and medicine she could recover. This changed things a little bit. I made a new plan to do an extra, mini baby shower in her hospital room just my aunts, my cousin Anna, and my mom… a few balloons and presents. 

I had doctor's appointment before coming home, and I wanted to make sure everything checked out ok before taking a 10 1/2 hour plane ride across the ocean while pregnant. My family agreed and we all decided that a hospital was no place for a highly emotional pregnant lady to be.

New Years Eve she took a turn for the worse and on January 2nd she died in her hospital bed with my grandfather beside her, holding her. 

There is no way to explain the feeling of helplessness that happens when you are thousands of miles away and there is no way for you to get to the ones you love at a time like this. My heart breaks at the feeling of not getting to say goodbye in person, of not being there with my family. These are the times when the sacrifice of being a military spouse really shows itself. 

During this hard time I've been doing things to try and feel close to her. On New Years Day I spent the whole day making homemade chicken and dumplings and my grandmother's buttermilk biscuits. I remember sitting with her in the kitchen as a little girl and how she would always take the last bit of dough and make me a special baby biscuit.. I did the same, this time in the shape of a heart for her. 

The time that I lost with my grandmother can never be recovered… The heartbreaking realization that I only had 1 week until my trip home and I would have been able to hold her hand, she would have felt Baby Blair move, and talk to me about being a mother the way she did on my wedding day about being a wife… sometimes it's too much to handle. Still, I know she understands my commitment to my husband and our life together. 

I'm missing the funeral. It's hard to keep my emotions in check, so it's probably better this way. Steven keeps me busy and tries to take my mind off of things.

 

Sue Ellen Kellett

August 6, 1947 - January 2, 2014